My 50 Year Old Face

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Did you see my Instagram post yesterday? It was pretty special. I had tried to put my makeup on without my glasses. It’s so hard to put eye makeup on when I’m wearing them! They are always getting in the way. So I, ever the rebel, stood in front of the mirror and filled in my eyebrow sans spectacles. A few strokes of the brush and voila! The perfect eyebrow. I stood there for a minute admiring my handiwork and my sheer awesomeness for having accomplished such a feat. Until I put my glasses on to get a closer look. This is what I saw:

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Yup. I completely missed my eyebrow.  When I saw it, I was having so much fun laughing at myself that I grabbed my phone, snapped a picture, and shared it on Instagram so you could all laugh with me.

And that, my friends, is a miracle. Let me tell you why. Less than a year ago I was in such a deep depression that I couldn’t stand the sight of myself.  I felt gross and disgusting, like a hideous blob of flesh that repulsed anyone who saw it.  I literally closed my eyes or turned my head whenever I passed a mirror or a store front so I wouldn’t see my reflection.

And it wasn’t only my depression that made me refuse to look at myself. Because of my  health problems my body was different than it used to be. I had gained a lot of weight. I couldn’t stand up straight.  I walked bent over with a cane and my legs were always swollen. On top of that, I turned 50 this year and that opens up a whole new set of wrinkles and drooping skin and, for those of us with Italian blood, the occasional mustache hair or three. I just felt ugly, inside and out.

In the last few months, as part of my healing process, I’ve been making a conscious effort to  get comfortable in my own skin. I prayed for God to let me see myself through his eyes. I intentionally picked up a mirror every day and studied my face. As that became more comfortable I started taking selfies and looking at them. And what I started to see looking back at me was not a hideous troll but a beloved child of God. I began to embrace my 50 year old face and actually liked looking at it because I saw the love of God looking back at me.

So, knowing a bit of the backstory, you can see the miracle it took for me to post my unretouched, makeup free, red blotchy, wrinkled 50 year old face on Instagram for the whole world to see! I didn’t even think twice about it because I don’t see ugly when I look at myself anymore.  I know who I am in God’s eyes.

“You are altogether beautiful my darling; there is no flaw in you.” -Song of Songs 4:7

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